Team Syesha

I will take Tonight's American Idol for $300 Alex. Judge's choice, producer's choice and contestant's choice. What are three mistakes? Correct! That may be a bit harsh but whateves. Lil Archie sucks, I am so over that little snot. He is the same ALL THE TIME. He needs to be kicked off. I would like to see him think he was safe and give his gee golly look and then realize he got kicked off. Only then will we see the true tween diva David come out and he will drop the f-bomb. By f-bomb I mean he will say "It's cuz I'm a fag huh?" That is not his stage dad, that's his stage husband. He sang a Chris Brown song, Lil David should never be allowed to utter the words "my boo" or "lil mama". It's just wrong. I think he needs some iron, bitch is more pale then my vegan neighbors. Seriously, they are pale, I am going to start marinating tofu in beef fat so they can eat some meat. We live in California, no one should be able to see your veins. Back to Archie. Over. It.

David Cook, ok, I like him a little bit. He sang Roberta Flack and I actually enjoyed his rendition. He also sang a Switchfoot song, I like that song. A lot! So I kinda had to like it. He sounds the same too, but I think he has more range then Archie. He has more appeal and bitch is not 25 years old. I know that mo' is at least 29. Fucking Aerosmith, you clever, clever producers. Duh, America is going to eat that shit up. This 30 year old retard cousin of Carrie Underwood just might win this competition. I think he has more star potential then Archie.

I am definitely on Team Syesha, ever since my Carly sadly left us. I know it may have seemed I was on Jason Castro's team, but I was blinded by pretty skin and dirty dreads, two weaknesses. He was never going to be idol but I would still do nasty, dirrty things to that boy. She did Alicia Keys and I was LOVING IT. She did Fever and I thought it was a tad bit theateresque. She is an actress, so what can you expect? Fuck you Paula btw, she is (hopefully) making it to the final two. Unfortunately I don't think she will but I will keep my fingers crossed. I will probably be watching live tonight for once. I am excited for this shit to finally end. It seems to just keep going and going. They need to take the tight leash off the idols and let them be themselves. No one is as goody two shoes as the producers of AI like to make us think. Give me back Danny Noriega. Ohhhh Idol All Stars, that will be ratings GOLD! It can be: Princess Danny, Frenchie, Clay Gaykin, Jason Castro, Amanda Overmyer (Elvira), Justin Guarini (HAHA He was in the audience last night), Nikki McKibbin, Ryan Starr, Corey Clark, Kimberly Locke, La Toya London (I lOVED her), Ace Young, Taylor Hicks, Kellie Pickler, and Sanjaya (just for cat fights between him and Danny). How. Fun. Is. That????????

Shia Goes Gay

My prayers have been answered and hello heaven! I love this man but I think I am starting to notice why so many people call him a douche. He just kinda looks like one. It's like when you see someone and you just know you don't like them. Yet, you have no idea why. Just like that, only when you see someone that looks like a douche, you just know it. We each have our own guidelines on what a true douche is. So he is a douchey, whateves. I would still hit it, I would wreck that chick! Here is my big douche doing the best he can on SNL. Seriously, they need Tina Fey back, she at least pulled in some laughs. SNL hasn't really been a good quality comedy show in quite some time. Sad face.

Blah, Blah, Blah

Soooooooooooo, I love this show. However! S did not kill nobody! Skank Georgina decides to videotape her BFF S and some random guy bump uglies. Serena isn't into it and tells the guy to do another line, he overdoses. Not her fault, maybe she shouldn't have left but she was sixteen. At least she called the cops. She also didn't sleep with anyone, despite what the previews made you think. If Dan falls for G's stupid Sarah bullshit, then he truly is as dumb as he looks. He is soo whiny, move on S and become a bad girl with B. We need more Chuck in our lives, Nate should always be shirtless and Eric (S's gay little bro) needs to have something gay going on at least every other episode. Where was Jenny? Visiting Mom? Random. Lisa Loeb sang her one hit wonder song, fab! Anywho I am sad to say that next week is the season finale, but I look forward to the extra long season in the fall. Super.

Don't Get Much Gayer Than This....

Brace yourself and hold on to your fucking hats bitches! The one and only Cher is on motherfuckin' Oprah! Oh, Tina Turner was there too! Diva in here own right but OMG CHER! I honestly go ape shit feather boa gay when Cher comes on. She can just sit there and I will have a grin on my face from ear to ear. I am watching it laying down on my couch yet feet are shaking, hands are in the air, I am singing (its also 1130pm) and loving every minute of it. Cher is truly my one big gay vice. OK, theres more then one, shut up. I cannot stand Oprah, but I have watched her show twice in a week. I watched last week when the cast of Sex And The City was on. What a waste of time. I am really excited to see the movie, but its kinda 2 years too late, right? Girls look TIRED, except Charlotte, but who cares about her. I only like Miranda because of Steve, shes cool by association. Actually, Miranda is the most logical and sane of the bunch. I like her. I just changed my mind. YAY! Still too late. Come to think of it, I forgot I hated Carrie until just this second. Ever since that bitch broke Aiden's heart, she fucked up and she fucked up good. Whateves my ass will be in the theater opening day drunk on cosmos and probably skiing with two of my friends. HAHA

Anywho, OMG CHER!! So I don't care how tacky her fuckin Bob Mackey clothes are, she rocks the fuck out of it. She knows there are a TON of drag queenies imitating her legendary ass and she is not one to be upstaged. This hooker has been in the business for over four decades! She has an insane amount of awards: Grammy's, Golden Globes (yes, GlobeS), an Emmy, a Tony, a FUCKING Oscar! Here's a spoon, eat up bitches, not many people can compare to the diva herself. No "pop star" nowadays is anywhere near her status. DIVA! I have never seen her live, EVER! I do not care how much it costs I am going to see her fabulous self in Vegas. Or as Oprah would say LASSSSSSSS VEEGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! Somebody shoot her please. I bet she has gold for blood. Oprah wipes her whoha with $100 bills. She douches with diamond infused water from Fiji. What I am sayin is, she has money. I ain't mad at her, once they legalize gay marriage Gayle better jump on that shit. Sidebar, I hate Gayle's wigs! It's always the same one and its orange, Oompa fuckin' loompa orange! I guess that's what Oprah likes to see between her legs. She probably makes Gayle recite songs from Willy Wonka or maybe throw out Carrot Top jokes while she licks the poon.

Whoa. Sorry.

Cher is 61 years young and lookin fabulous. I know she has had work done, we all know. She talks about it, but in no way do I think she looks like a science project gone awry. I was watching this on ABC 7 and you know how they have the annoying pop-ups during the show? Well this time, not once but twice I think ABC News took a jab at my baby mama Cher. First they scroll NEW COSMETIC SURGERY LAW? Haha. OKAAY. Then, then the next pop-up HIGH TECH WEIGHT LOSS BELT. Ok, maybe the latter isn't as funny but it made me giggle and want to blog about it. Deal with it. On a closing note, I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Cher! I cannot wait to see her in LASSSSSSSSSS VEEEEEGGGGGGAAAAASSSSSSSS! Hopefully more then once, preferably five times. Yes, five times. Pulling. It. Off.

Here is Cher performing. Loving the outfit! Loving the dancing! Now, pay attention to her dancers, I think they hafta hold the old bag up. How is she going to do this for three years? For two hundred shows?? Who cares, she can roll around in a wheelchair as long as she is Mackeyed out and singing, I DON'T CARE. Diva!

My New Obsession

His name is Jay Brannan and he is fucking amazing. I enjoy everything about him. He has a new album coming out in July and he is also going on tour. He will be at the El Rey Theater in July. Anyone want to go? He is not just a pretty face, he writes his own lyrics and I believe writes his music as well. He isn't formally trained on the guitar which makes for some interesting outside the box notes. And boys, he is gay, YUM! His voice kind of sounds like Tracy Chapman, but not. I think you will understand me when you hear him. Does he look familiar? He was also in this wonderful fucking movie, maybe you have heard of it? Shortbus! It was such a raw film about the intimate lives of random people coming together. In some cases literally cumming together. There are no boundaries in this movie, its very sexually awakening. If that makes any sense? There is a guy who sucks himself off and YES they show it. At first I thought it was going to be a horrible soft core porn flick. No, it surprised the fuck out of me! It had a story and opened my eyes to just how much we are different and simultaneously shows us how alike we truly are. Check it out for sure. He is available on iTunes and I suggest you support this mans beautiful music.


Below is his song Half Boyfriend

Gossip Girl

Can you guess which one is the gay? Give up? Trick question, its all three. Joke. Lame joke, sorry about that. Anywho, besides on the show none of them are. Serena's little brother (Eric) came out on this weeks episode (pictured below). I think he is fifteen? I hope they don't write him off now, I am sure a lot of young gay men and women could benefit from seeing this in the mainstream light. He is hardly in the show anyway, but I hope to see more of him. I freakin love this show. It was good at first, then got kinda boring, but now...Now, ladies and gents, its finally trash tv at its best.

Lil Dawn Summers (Michelle Trachtenburg) joined the cast last week to stir up some trouble in this teen drama. She is fucking S sideways with no lube on a humid day in Palm Springs. Have you tried fucking in the humidity with no air conditioner? Lets just say if you have my sense of humor, there will be a lot of laughing. POP! Anywho so Georgina (Michelle) is fucking with Dan (S's bf) saying her name is Sarah making Serena play along or else she will expose her homemade porn to him. She has drugged Serena and told her she was a drunk hooker AND made her miss the SAT's. She is just nuts, she is like Kimberly nuts in Melrose Place. She is now going to be a regular cast member. Excited? Me too! Blair has become a bitch again, thank jeebus, that vulnerable girl act was gettin TIRED! So, after the homemade porn scandel, the gay bomb (btw, Serena's lil brother was also dating Jenny's now ex boyfriend), and Serena finding out Georgina is playin with her personal life, at the very last second what happens? Serena tells Blair she has killed someone. Then the fucking credits roll. Fuck you Gossip Girl, good cliffhanger, can't wait for next week. Since the writer strike f'ed up the season, next season will be extra long, a total of 24 episodes. Stupendous!

Below is Eric

Who is going home tonight? Yoooouuuuuuu!!

So I didn't talk about Brooke going home last week, cuz who cares right? HAHA I kid, I kid! Sorry Chris I know she seems like a sweet girl but whateves. She stayed longer then Carly and that's just bull hockey. Last nights show made not only Syesha cry but me as well. She is my new favorite. I know I love my baby daddy Jason Castro, but he is not the American Idol. This whole season was pretty much a joke. Its obvious producers have taken total control over everything, from song choice to what they wear and how they act. Yet, I still find myself watching this shit. I guess (according to an article I read) even though the numbers are down, Idol is still a ratings killer. Its just not in the "in crowd" anymore, just like leggings. STOP IT! Stop wearing leggings. Fuck! Ok, back to business, Jason Castro takes off (haha hence the pic) and he will be on the cover of High Times in no time! His pretty ass will be missed but good riddance. Ryan will miss touching him, that's for sure! Did you see one of Jason's friends holding up a supporting t-shirt and once he was kicked off he folded it and put it on his shoulder. HAHA I can't wait for this shit to end! See you next year!

Back to my point about the show. Jason singing Bob Marley, predictable! Syesha singing Tina Turner, loved it but seriously? And her civil rights speech, someone is playing the race card. Good for you girl, I want you to win this shit! Lil David singing Stand By Me, cheese much? Chris Daughtry, I mean other David singing Duran Duran, WOW! So predictable, at least Jason acts somewhat real and laughs at inappropriate times, smiles when Brooke gets the boot off the show and smokes the reefer before each and every commercial break. I love him. He was so over the show though, you could tell. Smoking weed 24/7 takes its toll on a girl (the braing being dead HAHA). I bet his hair fucking reeks! Febreeze that ish and let it air out for a few days. Anywho, Lil David is going to win this thing, blah blah blah. I am so over him and his gee golly attitude. We get it, your tween ass can sing, embrace it girl. Own it! I give this girl two months before he is as divalicious as Mariah Carey. His balls will finally drop and he will make daddy hold his YooHoo while he drinks it out of a straw. I want Syesha aka the underdog to trip the David's off the stage and claim victory. That would make me extremely happy. Go Syesha!!!

PS- That Ford commercial. WOW! Nuf said!

Lars And The Real Girl

Do not base this movie off the preview. What starts out as a light and smart comedy turns into a beautiful heartfelt movie. Don't get me wrong it is funny, but I totally cried too! I found myself loving the movie more and more as each minute passed. You dive head first into the movie and grow with each and every actor in the film. All the actors are extremely talented! There is no small role, everyone plays a part of the movies genius. This is a must see!

Here is the preview:



PS- Sorry I haven't been posting, I totally had blogger's block. I missed you guys though! =)

PHANTOM! PHANTOM! PHANTOM!

Andrew Fucking Lloyd Weber week! Excited! He seemed to me the only one that was real with the idols. He gave them constructive critisism and was to the point. Love that fag! However, I really, really hated Cats. It is the worst play I have ever seen, I thought it might have been because I had a crazy cold but no. The whole play was introducing cats "Hi, I'm Twat and I love yarn", "Hi, I hate Twat, I am his evil twin sister Cunty" "Hi, remember me? I was here with you when we were kittens and now I am back. I'm Returny." HATE! IT! Syesha, one word, AMAZING! She better not be on the bottom 3, but I have a feeling she may be since shes not a favorite. Sad face. Even my love for my baby Jason Castro isn't going to make me like Cats. Why he chose this song? Fuck me I don't know? Ya, fuck me. I mean, really? Stupid song choice buddy, even Andrew thought so. He put me to sleep, not even his pretty face could save it. He didn't even know the song was sung by a cat. Umm its called Cats baby, lay off the mota buddy.

HAH! Even ALW hates Brooke White at first, I just keep on hatin. She fucked up and had to start the song over. Paula even called her out! She ruined the song, I f-ing love Phantom of the Opera. She better get her ass home, after all she needs to be ready for Cocks wedding. Bitch is probably prego, SHOTGUN WEDDING! Hold on to your fifteen minutes darlin! Did y'all know someone actually purposed to our favorite stripper? Also see how I got to work in a a Cock reference. Ya, still hate her. Go home Brooke!!!

Poor Lil' David he looks so hungry and tired. David picked a song meant for a diva, hah! He probably finally put his foot down and told his dad to fuck off. This queen loves him some Sarah Brightman and he is gonna sing it! I liked this performance. This fag is gonna win. Damn you America, don't let it happen! I love me some Carly, she finally owned that stage! Syesha and Car Car just opened up that big voice of theirs this week. Carly is here to stay bitches. I think I would totally do a threesome with her and her inked up from the flo up hubby. He makes me wanna do dirty things, like not use a coaster. I don't see an ounce of cute in David Cook. Not one fucking ounce. He kind of looks like Carrie Underwood's re-re cousin. With that being said, WOW! I really enjoyed his rendition of that beautiful, beautiful song we all love! Grrr, he is good, I will give you that. He still looks like he may have been in ESL classes in school. Sooo, go home Brooke!!

Real Housewives of New York

Ramona, Mario, Avery- I hate Ramona, enough said. Her poor husband Mario, and I feel even worse for her daughter Avery. She is aged well beyond her years, she is 12. She already has a college plan and is ready to make it big financially and if need to, without a man. Rameana's mother wasn't able to leave her husband because of financial reasons. I am all for women having their own money, but let Avery be a kid. She is even forcing her into acting. Avery likes it but wants school to come first. Smart girl! Ramona's voice is like a 80 year old Jewish lady pimping out her son at the temple single mingle. She also thinks models don't use their brains and she said it in front of the models, and the Countess, an ex-model. She just has no class, she wants to be young forever (age gracefully girl!), and wears tacky clothes. She leaves dinner parties and is a horrible liar. I hate her.

Jill & Ally- Jills mom, Gloria, hates the smell of her shampoo, I hate the smell of pert plus too. Her mom's face is stretched like silly putty over an egg and her lips look like a sideways who-ha. I hate her "gay husband" he is trying way to hard. Are you kidding me? A pink cowboy hat? You are in your 40's man, and you are not a a girl in Vegas at a bachelorette party. Jill is kinda immature, she didn't get front row at a fashion show and had to sit behind Ramona and her Ivana Trump do. Jill is from New Jersey, and you can tell. I like her though, Betheeny and Jill are my faves, the rest should fight to the death and last one standing gets to tell Simon hes gay. Jill and Betheeny are just a great duo. I also think they need to show more Ally, she is why I want Jill to adopt me, so we can be sisters. She has that low husky sexy girl voice. She is also 14 and going on 30. Shes a lil thick and I like it. We can split a foot long at Subway. Love. Ally. Anywho, Jill's fight with Romeana is hilarious. Women in their forties battling over a tennis game, cute. Kidding, I love it, I just wish there was mud wrestling and drag queens involved. Season two spoiler LOL. J and B need their own show. Period. The rest of them can just be pawns that the two of them can make fun of along with the rest of America.

LuAnn the Countess-is such a cunt, totally two-faced but thats why I kind of like her. Her maid wants to kill her and I love that. Her maid is comedy, we need more of her in our lives. LuAnn is hands on with her kids, sorta, but the maid does everything. EVERYTHING. Probably even blow the Count once a month. She raises the kids and she even called her out on it. LuAnn mentioned La Migre, that was the last she heard anything about her parenting. You can tell she loves being a Countess but I am sure misses her youth even more. Hanging out with her much younger neice lets her be that "struggling model" she used to be. She is so boujey (sp?), you know what I mean right? Very ummm "Barbie, where is the Grey Poupon? I can't find it anywhere on this yaught and call me by my middle name Dick if you find it before me in your Lacoste dress with matching shoes!" She told B (Betheeny) that any "servent" or anyone is what she really meant is to call her Mrs Deldouchey or whatever her last name is. Get over yourself. She just seems fake.

Alex and Simon- Alex's hair is always a mess, I am surprised her gay husband doesn't help her out. He may not be gay, but I think he might be one of those guys that really wants to give the hetero life a good solid shot and at a pre-set age, stop whatever is going on and go full on homo. He LOVES his fashion, and come on, his name is Simon. Back to her hair, its always a mess, like she has a high powered fan above her front door like my local 7-11 does. Its just a fucking mess. Her husband and herself are oddly codependent on each other. I don't think they spend any time with their kids because they have an au pair. She names one of her kids Francois, I think I would even beat him up. Poor guy and they are soo proud of him, as every parent should but fuck. They need to cut him some slack, let his balls drop first. They claim not to be socialites or social climbers but all they want to do is meet people to climb that ladder. They call those kinda people "connectors". I think I hate these two more then Romeana. Yes. Yes, I do hate them more. Oh man and when he showed up at girls night, dayham. Simon is horrid. Alex is even worse. Keep them on the show so we can see how editing makes them "worse" then they really are. I hate them.

Bethany- is my kinda girl, known as the runaway bride, she has the hottest man, and hes a good one. He just won't commit. Whateves. I am definitly on Team Betheeny. She is hilarious, she has that total New York voice, I dig it. She can't stand Jill's gay husband (nor can I). She says if you look up token gay friend in the dictionary, there you have it. She even makes fun of Alex for naming her kid Francois and that her husband has homosexual problems. Fantastic. She has no regrets, she calls people out on their shit and shes down to earth. Prefection. I can't even remember half of the funny shit that she has said. She made the show, that is for sure! They should just replay the season and have her do commentary. I would do it with her. I can tell we would feed off each others energy. Each episode will most likely be two hours long though. I can't stress how much I love this bitch.

Here is one of my favorite clips with J and B, the end is the best!!

New Message From Madonna

Love. It.



PS- Fucking loving her new album!

Do You Know?

I have a few straight friends that are all about Rob & Big. I have recently caught a few episodes and the verdict is in... I LOVE this shit! I would do Rob sideways too!! I don't care that he is knee high from a pie's eye or however that saying goes. Bottom line hes short, but thats a-ok with me. I guess its the series finale or whateves, that kinda sucks. I mean they have a fucking mini horse. A mini horse! I think they are always stoned too and that makes good tv in my book. They are just ten kinds of crazy and a barrel full of laughs. LOVES it!

Here is a clip of the singin an Enrique song at the carwash...Do you know?? (skip to about 33 seconds)

These New Puritans

You NEED to know this band!!!

The Bird And The Bee

This band too!!! They make you want to drink hot cocoa with tons of marshmallows while you spin in the living room in your pj's. They are brilliant!!

Viva Hollywood!

Umm this is like the sexiest show on tv right now. Latin men, Aye Papi!! You need to watch this show. Its soo over the top and filled with beautiful people. They all got fucked up mexican names though. You put that many latinas in a room, there is bound to be some dramz! Throw in some tequila and lets play who do you think is going to get preggers. My bet is on at least two of them. Vinci (above) looks like Justin Chambers, YUM! I'd hit that so quick! He is a cocky motherfucker too, I eat that shit up! If Alexcy wasn't such a gay name and if he didn't come up to my knee, I would have hit that too! Enrigay doesn't really fit up to par to the rest of the papi's. Poor homo wants it so bad though. They even go to the chapel to say a prayer for the person they want to vote off. HAHA This show is muy caliente and I can't wait to watch what tacky thing happens next!

TOP CHEF!

I love Top Chef, I really wish I was a better cook. When I am ready to eat, I am ready to eat. Sooo thinking ahead of time never works for me. I want food and I want it now. I get impatient, but I do not eat poorly, you just think of what are you eating and watch your portions. Instant diet. Never not allow yourself something, otherwise you are fucked! So you got your lesbians on the show right? Well this season, there seems to be more than usual. AND they are not to be fucked with. They are not only a minority being a woman in the kitchen, but they are also gay and probably more manly then most men back there. The women just really want a female to win the Top Chef title. This season I think it may just happen. There was a lesbo coule this season, last week one of them left. So the remaining half of the clam lovefest is winning this for her. Jennifer is pissed and on a mission. She is not happy Zoe is gone. Whateves.

It wouldn't be Top Chef without faux hawks! I think the requirement is at least six people must have them and they must be three inches in height. Mark is my favorite (pictured above), hes an Aussie AND he has curly hair. I LOVE CURLY HAIR!!! Spike and Ryan are the hotties of the season, the rest of the people I don't really know their names. This show always makes me fucking hungry though. Even when I ain't hungry, I start thinking of what I can create. Last week instead of puttin a ton of cheese between two corn tortillas and throwing it in the microwave like everyone else would, I got out my saute pan. I cut up some onions and sauteed them first, put them to the side. I mashed up half an avocado and made a lil guac for my side. Made the quesadilla in the pan, added some Tapatio in there as well and VOILA! I fucked it up while flipping it though, so umm I haven't mastered flipping. It was still good, better then the microwave. I think this show is like the longest reality competition show ever! It honestly lasts for like five months. They start with like 15 contestants. I think I would have enough time to go to culinary school and make it on time for season 5. If not, definately season 6. By then I will be the only gay guy with two straight guys, four straight woman and the rest? LESSIES!!! Excite!

Bye Bye Cocks!!

I just want to say sorry for not saying anthing about Michael's departure. Dlisted.com said it correctly, American Idol does not like sexy. He was the only fuckable one of the bunch. So, your ass will be missed. Kisses. OK, opening number. Jason Castro, you sucked. I love you, but I realize now that I am totally blinded by those baby blue eyes. I still would love for you to serenade me every night, just never try to sing One Sweet Day EVER AGAIN!! Not even at my funeral. And he really likes the beach man. HAHA Carly and Lil David nailed it, I want those two and David Cook to be my final 3. Syesha will be in my final 4. Cocks looks like LeAnn Rimes' crooked cousin that always trys to get you to buy Tupperware. And hey man who has her horse and won't sell it back, I LOVE YOU! Brooke sang like a tranny who couldn't afford to take her estrogen for a few months. Elliot Yamin looks likes he is jonesin' for a fix, hes even got the sweats. He does have a beautiful voice, I am sure his mother is looking down and is very proud of him. Paula is wearing that damn HUGE rose around her neck, it looks mighty heavy her head keeps tilting to the right.

DEE-VAH! Moo Moo has no normal mic stand, that shit is diamond crusted. I am sure the air was turned way down during her performance, Mimi likes it at 56 degrees while singing. I got to give homegirl credit, she has worked hard for that body and she still has got a fucking voice. I just can't stand any of her music. Sorry gay latinos. I think we can all agree she needs a new stylist. Maybe her gays are too afraid to tell her its not 1998 anymore.

Now to my favorite part, COCKS HAS LEFT THE FUCKING BUILDING! Looks like the rednecks across America know Mariah is 5% African American too! I am kind of sad to see her go, now who can I hate on? I will make sure to check on what she is up to weekly to update y'all. Porn world, here she comes!! Brooke will be joing you shortly Kristy.

I Want To Be At That Luau

MooMoo blessed us with her presence this week on the idol stage. She doesn't like judging people on their singing, that's because she "knows" she is number fucking one. Five octaves, nuf said. I hate her but this bitch is a DEE-VAH! Lil' David is up first, he was so excited to meet Mimi because he listens to her all the time. HE looks like her fan base, gay Latinos. He did a good job, whateves, I don't want him to win. Its awesome that not one diva song is good enough for him, he had to choose the one song with Whitney. I think everyone is jumping on the fucking us with no lube bandwagon that Cocks started with the perfect song choice. They know and are very aware of who is voting for them. David A. also doesn't eat cuz of nerves, right. Nerves. He knows the camera adds ten pounds and so does showdaddy. Every time his dad comes on the screen I find myself giving him the stink eye.

I love me some Carly but she is starting to sound more and more like a girl at karaoke that has a small following but its only her drunk friends that are cheering. She is good, not an idol. On that note, she fucked up the song but I still wanna get into a bar fight with her over her buckteeth then make out and have another Irish car bomb. Simon is ALWAYS right, they need to replace Randy with Sharon Osbourne. Two brits are better then one. They can never get rid of Paula, they have invested too much money on the onset bar, pharmacy, hair salon and Coldstone for her.

I think Mariah spent the most time with Syesha because remember she is 5% black. I still think she has a wonderful voice and she did an excellent job. She will not win and it is a shame how much a popularity contest this has become. Brooke, go home. HAHA she is just a bun. I am so tired of her and she butchered that song up. That is one of my favorite Mariah songs. Sometimes I replace the word Hero with Faggot. Try it. Cocks fucked up another one of my fave songs. She is the Kelly Pickler of the season, but she has no personality. She is here to stay though, this cunt will make it to the final three. If she wins, I will boycott AI like I did when Fantascia won. I am over David Cook too! I think I know why now, he looks like a guy I hooked up with when I was beyond drunk a few years ago. I didn't regret it the next day, I did right after, he was not cute. At all! I did like his version a little bit though. Actually a lot of bit. He is so Daughtry and Simon loves it.

Baby Daddy does I Don't Want To Cry, I bet Mariah finds him to be pretty too and let him hold her diet coke for her while she slurped away. Why does every song my baby sings I imagine it around a campfire? Stoned. If he just did covers of a bunch of songs I would play them every time I smoked the manja and watercolored to his sweet, sweet, stoner voice. Paula could join me, she looks like she wouldn't mind me being naked while I painted, she would probably suggest I paint on her. Brooke needs to go home. Thats all I want.

That Is So Second Grade!

If you are not watching this show, you are missing a ton of fabulous faggotry. They sent home the better half of my favorite gay duo James. Miguel don't have his sister no mo. I do not get why Michael didn't go home, after all he is "bisexual" so actually he doesn't exist. I kind of take the role of the closeted frat boy on this topic. If you are a bi male, you are gay, period! However, if you are a bi woman, than it is completely ok. I just don't think you can go one day with a dildo up your ass and a cock in your mouth to eating some chicks who-ha. I did meet a guy once who was truly bi, maybe its like that song "You're One In a Million". Elizabeth Berkley is only in like the last fifteen minutes of the show. This is unacceptable. I want her to give random pep talks like Tyra does on ANTM. She can talk about who was fucking who on the set of SBTB or how she trained for literally HOURS to do Showgirls. She will save her dancing on SBTB when it is down to the final three, that way she can relate to it more. I can already see the tears. Here is Nomi dancing at her first rehearsal, THRUST IT!

Wowwha!

I love me some Christopher Walken, especially when he is on SNL. Homeboy is so awesome and such a diva he never needs to know his lines. He reads his lines from cue cards on the side and he doesn't care who knows about it. That is part of his charm. I bet when he does movies he just repeats "watermelon" over and over and they dub that shit in. GENIUS!! Here he is hosting SNL for his 100th time because he counts reruns. Love. It.


PS- I do a pretty good "WOWWHA" but thats about as far as it goes.

Did I Look Like A Fag?

Let me just tell you how excited I am to see another Saved By The Bell character back in the lime light. Its like when I first discovered that buffing my toenails makes them shiny until your next visit to the local nail salon. I haven't seen homegirl Jessie Spano since her Lifetime movie. I just searched her on www.imdb.com and I guess she has kept herself busy with random tv guest spots. Go Jessie! One of the mo's on the show said they recognized her right away from the cult phenomenon SHOWGIRLS!!! He didn't mention SBTB though, luckily another mo did. Already there are people that stand out, this is episode number one, so I do not know names. There are a few people that obviously aren't as talented as the others and they need to learn to stop kicking in the air. One girl fucks up her ankle and goes home. Every reality show needs a girl to go home in an ambulance. They split them into two groups, the winning group and the elimination group. Winning group is up first and the show crybaby felt inadequate and ran off the stage in the middle of her performance. She was lucky she is safe from being eliminated. Miguel gets told to be more manly and asks 'Did I look like a fag?" The judge says YES! This is when I decided to tivo this shit for the rest of the season. The losing group ended up doing better then the winning group. I think Cody is cute. Jaime (guest judge) looks like Hoobie from Baywatch. Scary Spice (other guest judge) is fabulous and tells a black contestant who doesn't like hip-hop "But you're black" HAHA Them Brits. Audriana goes home this time, they should have played Donna Summers Last Dance as soon as Jessie says it. I look forward to this gay, gay show...

Table For Eight

It's Idol time, was it Randy's day to talk or something? Why is he wearing those Asian bracelets I wore in 6th grade, even I was two years late on that one. I bet they are a gift from Ramielle, Randy looks like he would like to put his peanut sauce all up in her Pad Thai. Michael Johns is up first, again, nice ass, again you are just ok. We all get you are not from here and America is the land of the free, blah, blah, blah. Get off the American dream kick, that's Cocks territory. Now, I hate Fantascia, I knew I have heard the song I Believe before but wasn't sure where from. I think Syesha made it her motherfuckin' own. I love her voice. She should let Cocks pick her song selections otherwise homegirl is headin home. I do agree with Simon on her, she did lack emotion but it was still done well.

Baby Daddy Jason Castro sang Somewhere Over The Rainbow, smart choice baby. He knows his core audience, gays, young girls and hippie stoners. He is so damn pretty, I loved the song. I picture myself and a few close friends (by close friends I mean my stuffed animals but he won't know the difference) around a campfire stoned out of our minds listening to Jason Castro sing that song. Once it ends, cue the orgy. He kinda wears more make up than Ryan though, and thats no bueno. Was that Meatloaf in a Cingular commercial? I love it. Cocks with her Tanya Harding hair looks pretty ripped, Madonna ripped. I will admit she did a good job, I hate her. I would like to say again that ANYONE can sing country. She is here to stay. Wonderful. Sidebar, I just looked at Paula for the first time, Pilly looks great. Her corset may be enabling her to breath, thats probably why Randy is talking more. Or maybe its because he got a boost of confidence since he is on the cover of Diabetes Monthly. I tried to find a picture, no such luck.

David Cook, why does he make those don't get cum in my eye faces when he sings? Embrace the facial girl. And the hand message, gotta hand it to him, thats some Cocks shit right there. Finally someone else is mindfucking us. He was ok this week, not his best at all. Car-Car, why so pissy faced? How is this song inspirational? Maybe I am blinded by the Moulin Rouge version of this song and that was uber sad. Overall, I liked it, fuck you Randy and your "ok", not everyone is Mariah or Whitney and we KNOW you have worked with them. She should have thanked God after her performance, that way when she finds herself on the bottom 3, she will at least be safe. Lil' Davie sang one of my favorite songs ever, no fags not the Jessica Simpson version, Robbie Williams "Angels". He did a fantastic job, little shit is going to rule this competition. Senior gays stood up from their couch, clapped and hugged after his performance. I really am over his "Oh, me? Really? Thank you" routine. I know showdad told you to be modest but take it back a step, it looks scripted now.

Brooke is boring. I think Syesha or Carly is going home and this saddens me. I heard a rumor that if this seasons American Idol does not do well, this will be the last season. I doubt it, they got a good two more years of this shit. Peace, Love & Gossip!

PS- I picked that picture because I googled Inspirational and got this.

One Day You Are In...

The next day you are out! Project Runway is leaving Bravo and heading to, hold on to your fucking hat, LIFETIME!!! Television for woman and gay men just got a whole lot gayer. I hope they drop Michael Kors, he looks too much like an oompa loompa dyke with a Fran Drescher voice. Everyone else needs to stay, Meana Godzilla, Heidi "I love Seal" Klum, and baby daddy Tim Gunn. I guess NBC (who owns BRAVO) is pissed off about the move stating they didn't get a fair chance to fight for the ever so popular show. So In true fashion, they are takin them to court. In other news, The Golden Girls is leaving Lifetime for WE, I know quite a few fags that will be disappointed with that. They need their Dorothy fix.

Flip That House

Ok, so I don't like how they do the show now. I can't put my finger on it, but its like it lost the magic it once had over me. Enter Rudi Polak, umm wow. They should just hire him as a host and keep the camera on him at all times, only showing the house in the beginning and the end. Thats all we really care about anyways. Rudi can just talk about his day, his shirt off of coarse, and if theres a pool swim nakee or sunbathe. Even if there is no pool, he can still lay out. He just seems like a mans man, hes got a hairy chest, natural tan, beautiful arms and I bet me smells like Old Spice. Mmmmm, ya he wears Old Spice, I hate Old Spice but I bet its good on him. I would look good on him. Or under him. Here is his website www.rudipolakdesigns.com Check him out, yum!

PS- That is a fountain not my "kids" on the pic, I swear.

Holly Won, Perry Back to Zero

Whateves, I guess she deserved it. I am just glad Perry lost, fucking loser. I am so done with that douchey. I am over Ben too, he is way too conceited. Ya, he fine and ya I wouldn't take his tongue out my ass but he is cut in my book. He didn't seem too excited to see his wife either. She looks like an owl and an English nanny bumped uglies and had a baby. I smell divorce papers. He is quitting his prison guard job, moving to the big apple, getting a job at Starbucks and pursuing modeling as a newly single man. Ten bucks he ends up doing gay porn with Ronnie. They will call it Make me a Superbottom: The Bromance. Ronnie is cute but hes not supermodel material. I guess it suits Holly best. Golf claps for Holly, can't wait to see you in the Sears catalog.

I think my cat Abbey should have won!

Jigga & B Getting Married Tomorrow

So I guess Mama Knowles has been planning since they met and has got all the tackiness ready. Can't wait for those wedding pictures!

Danity Kane Hidden Message

Ok, I was on the john this morning and listening to their song. If you don't know me that well, I apologize but I talk about my poop. So, everything is going fine like normal, but you know how you do your best thinking sitting there right? Well I was thinking of the slut of the group Aubrey and I know she has dabbled in the buttsex. In fact I am sure she prefers it, Diddy does not want a prego singer. Anywho, if you change just one word, k, let me repeat that, one word, it changes the WHOLE concept of the song. I figured she helped write this song, if not all on her own. Listen to the song below and everytime they say heart, you say asshole. Just listen, its fantastic!!

<3
me



PS- LOL This too shall pass...

Cock Just Can't Get Discharged

That is all I am saying about it. You know who Cock is and I hate her!

Idols Down To 9...To 5

Sorry I had to, its Dolly Parton night!! Is Dollywood still around? I have a feeling that is something I need to experience before I die. Like I will experience some gay spiritual awakening, instantly coming in touch with my inner Dolly and her tah-tahs. She looks good, kinda like a wax figure that can move. Brooke White is up first, I think she did a fine job. ANYONE with a decent voice or even not so decent, can sing country though. That's why Kristy Lee Cock is on that band wagon and altering the minds of rednecks worldwide into voting for her. I hate her! David Cook is up next, he swears he is the same age as me. His rendition of Little Sparrow smells like Simon had a hand in that. He has got his fist so far up his ass. He wants a Chris Daughtry and he wants it BAD! In all fairness, I liked it. He continues to impress me. I am glad to see Paula wasn't allowed to dress herself this week. Remember that mess last week? You almost want to take her to Chuck E Cheeses for trying this week.

Ramiele has got a voice, she just needs to use it. She doesn't get comfortable until about halfway through and that is halfway too late. I am rootin' for her but she is not going to win this. Baby Daddy has got a crazy admirer in Colorado sending in a buttload of postcards. Get off my shit you stupid bitch! If you know whats good for you. Deep breath, ok...Jason Castro made me melt this week, fuck I love him and his hippy ass. He is so pretty. I am glad to see he didn't smoke the ganj before showtime, but you know he ran off that stage and hit that bubbler. Overall, I liked everything about him this week. My Irish love Car Car, her voice is spectacular. What an angel, I seriously need to get drunk with that girl. Is her man the guy with all tha tat's on his face. Ewww. Only one guy (and hes in porn) pulls it off for me. Google Ink Storm, it will make your day!

Lil David is getting fed by the spoonful what to say! What 17 year old is like that? So mature beyond his years. Maybe he is just that nice, I will give him the benefit of the doubt. I am still jealous of his hair. He did well, I am sure he made a ton of elder gays, fat girls, and sure as hell daddy tear up. Sidebar, Blake Lewis HATES David Archuleta, he just jealous. He also hated on Sangina and how he didn't even make it on the show. He only did because of his sister. Blah, Blah, Blah...Anywho, Lil Davie did a great, great job. I fucking hate KL Cock! First of all, she got a Julia Robert's hairdo from 2001 and that dress makes her look more like a peacock than usual. They need to do disco night STAT so we can get rid of this herpe. She is nailin' the country shit and givin mad I will blow you eyes. Oh, don't play dumb, we are better at it then you. You were having cheer sex with him!

Syesha does one of my favorite songs ever. Love the yellow dress, love the hair, LOVE the song! Not give me goosebumps good, but this better wake up America. She is a force not to be fucked with. What is up with not wearing shoes on stage? I don't get it. She had better not be on the bottom three again. I forgot all about Aussie boy, I was about to wrap this shit up. I even forgot his name! Michael...Hmmmm, what does this tell you? He must have pissed off the stylist, why is that scarf there? All in all, he did a pretty good job. Sorry I forgot about you baby. Next time wear less clothes or say something sassy to Ryan. Again, go home Kristy. You will still be able to make mall appearances across all of Oregan. Just something to look forward to. Justin out!

Face Down, Ass Up, Thats The Way We Like To Fuck

Paris ate shit in Prague the other day. She tripped over her massive feet. You would think that nose would break her fall, but her chin took one for the team. You can just hear Benji saying "Please tell me you got that!" So Jimmy Fallon (SNL) of him.

NKOTB Is Hangin Rough Yo

New Kids On The Block are going on the Today show this Friday to celebrate their 20th anniversary of Hangin Tough PEOPLE reports. They are going to announce their possible reunion tour and they might even perform!! Does anyone care? Even a little bit? They should change their name to Men Around The Corner From The Donut Shop. I was never into them when they were big. I was too busy wondering who Amanda Woodward was going to fuck next. She is my idol. On that note, I never got the whole Michael Mancini thing. Ok, maybe one time I wanted to see what he had goin on under those scrubs, ONE TIME! In my defense, I did just have my first wine cooler with a vicodin chaser. Not my fault. Anywho, I hope Jordan Knight does his "hit" Give It To Me on the show. I am not sure what is more embarrassing. That I know that song or that I know the dance they do during the chorus. Thanks to Darren's Dance Groove (choreographer to the stars) and hours of practice, I nailed it!!

Britney Will Be Back Y'all

Now, I am not a hardcore fan of hers, buuttt...I know this mess will be back. She used to be the biggest thing EVER! And now, the man who created it all, her manager Larry Rudolph is back in her life. OK! Magazine is reporting he is now running the show again and Brit Brit is back in the studio. Her guest spot on How I Met Your Mother got crazy ratings and she wasn't even that bad. She just has that star mentality. Now I know you can take the trash out of the girl, but the can still stinks. And I am aware she is a frappachino and a cheeto bag away from being the crazy we all love to watch. Be that as it may, I would much rather see her doing well and being healthy. With that being said, I bet within a year she is back together with her kids and on top of the world. Zing!

The UK Does A Body Good

They did it again, the UK has given us another wonderful import. Oh, how I love Adele. She is such a breath of fresh air. I heard of her a few months ago and I eagerly awaited her CD release here in the States. It finally came out today and I bought it on iTunes. I have this thing where I like to own the actual CD (as long as its under $10, not cuz I am cheap, thats just how much CD's should be). I am not a fan of stealing music. Anywho, I ran out of room in my CD cabinet so buying it off iTunes is the next best thing. I can deal wit it. I had only heard two songs prior to buying it, and wow, A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!! Her voice just makes you smile. They just have no problem going outside the norm over there. Here we are soo focused on image over talent. Adele has talent and thensome. I think shes beautiful. Her voice even cracks in one of the songs and she somehow makes it the cutest thing ever. She is kind of like Amy Winehouse, I am not sure how else to explain her to you. Just listen and enjoy. I used to listen to this song on repeat when I first heard it.

Bad Education

Gael García Bernal is one of the sexiest actors out there. He is also one of the best and the most versatile. Too bad he's short, but its all the same laying down. I have only seen a few of his movies: The Science of Sleep, Y Tu Mama Tambien, Babel, Motorcycle Diaries, The King, and most recently, Bad Education. He needs to be in more mainstream films, he is truly a diamond in the rough. Did I use that correctly? Whateves, I was going to say he is a true gem, but I felt like my Grandma saying it. He is not afraid of frontal male nudity either, or showing off his perfect booty. That is not why I watch his movies though, its a bonus, but he really has talent. Foreign/Independent movies have so much more depth then American films. I think he puts some serious thought into the roles he chooses. So maybe its good hes not in the mainstream flicks. I hated The King, and The Science of Sleep is very, ummm interesting, you must watch. So, Bad Education was a really good movie. There are twists and turns and he even looks good in drag. Netflix it, its worth it.

Happy April Fool's Day

Sorry I haven't been blogging, I have been super lazy. Plus it was my birthday and that was tons of F-U-N. I am watching Where Are They Now?: Reality Stars, WOW did Puck (first Real World) get OLD and rugged. Anywho, I don't want to write about that. Beyonce and Jay-Z applied for a marriage license today in NY People reports. I guess it is valid for 60 days. I highly doubt there is going to be a wedding that soon. There are so many things to do: pick out the correct wig/weave; her mama got to stitch together the perfect slutty but not too slutty wedding gown; Solange (her sister) needs to hand write each invitation if she wants to remain on the Bouncey payroll; Jay-Z has to wax his lips. Tons & tons of things, they need to breed more doves cuz there ain't enough on this planet for this soiree. I think Beyonce and Tina will give Celine Dion a reason to get married again and be even more over the top. She will pull Renee in his wheelchair down the bald eagled feathered aisle. Behind will be her son as the flower girl, following the bridal party. Because Celine comes first. Always! They will only play her songs at the reception too. Each time a new song comes on she will act surprised and take a bow. DIVA!

PS- In all honesty, I would love, LOVE, to have a threesome with Beyonce and Rihanna. I know it may seem like a lot of who-ha's to deal with but I got a plan. Since I think the vag is one of the ugliest things on earth, dealing with one is yucky, let alone two. However, this is Ri and B and I would give my left nut to be with them. So my plan is to have sex in front of a mirror. That way Beyonce will be distracted while I deal with Ri. Then, when I am ready for B I will just tap her on the shoulder cuz I can't touch her hair. I happen to like all my fingers.

Jabbawokeez, I Love You!

Lil' Grandma whos new album drops April 29th is back to wearing hats. AND how does she go out, in syle...by wearing a wig with a ponytail that look like the biggest analbeads EVER! Mario looks fine as ever, he does not seem to age. Sexy! All dance crews returned to dance together and I loved it. You noticed why these two are still standing. Even though I still wish it was between Kabba Modern and Jabba. Status Quo impressed me during the reunion danceoffs, and Jabba did not. BUT when they danced together Jabba killed it. Fucking killed it! They won, they fucking won. Take that Status Quo, I bet they make an appearance on the Tyra show, they are so up her alley. They are a good dance crew, but Jabba is soo freakin innovative. They are fucking sick man. I cannot wait for Season 2 to start in the summer. They have a very big shoe to fill though, JABBAWOKEEZ for life eh!

Replace Seacrest? Never!!

Syesha is on the bottom 3, I told you she doesn't stick out, which is a shame. She has an amazing voice and lovely tah-tahs. Award for the most overdressed goes to Kimberley Locke. She does look great, but why was she wearing that dress. I always liked her, I just checked out her cd and eh. Kudos to losing the forty pounds! I did download her Band of Gold remix, very homoliscious. Chiquita is also in the bottom three, whateves. Who was that chick that called in and asked if he was single? His mom will do anything for him, what a doll. And hold my cock, baby daddy Jason Castro is in the bottom three???? I guess he needed that wake up call, he did suck pretty badly last night. No bongy before singy baby boy. Hes safe anyways, now go celebrate and smoke a bowl with Kristy Lee Cock. Lucky bitch, you are totally workin middle America, you shmuck! How smart the audience is you say Simon? She is manipulating inbreeds across the US of A. Goodbye Chiquita, like I said I won't miss you. Now make like a banana and split. LOL I apoligize I have had some wine.

<3
me

PS- Just for shits and giggles, my favorite PussyCat Doll..

A Day In The Life Of The Unemployed

Being without a job for as long as I have you start to notice more things. Not only does it suck not having a job, you can't just go out and do things. Things cost money. Money does not grow on trees contrary to belief. All of your friends work all day. You find yourself talking to your cat way more often then you should. I am not a phone person, but now that I have friends in Wisconsin I can at least start talking to people at 3pm our time. Daytime television is horrible, its not just a rumor, its true. I do however love 10 Years Younger. Them gays on that show are soo not subtle when it comes to pointing out your flaws. "You see this rouging up here in the mid waist? This is going to draw away attention from your bumps and bulges". Fat arms? No problem! "Wearing a three-quarter sleeve will make your arm appear to be smaller when its really not". They are ruthless! Love it!

I have been actively looking for a job since February. I took a two month vacation in Wisconsin and now it is time to get down to the nitty gritty. I look Monday through Friday, its totally a full time job. To make things harder, I am looking to get out of the mortgage industry and into something new and different. Thing is, I don't have any other experience in any other field and most companies do not want someone with a mortgage backround. I am now looking into going to school and getting a degree, but I need to fund school, so I need a full time job.

I wake up around 9am everyday and just in case my internal clock doesn't go off, my cat will wake me up. Her name is Abbey and I got her a month ago. She is seven months old and perfect. She wakes me up by walking all over me, purring and giving me massages. Then she gets more agressive, and plays in the blinds (right next to my bed) and holds them open to shine the light on my face. Mind you, the whole time she is holding the blinds open she is chasing her tail and making noise. If I decide to hit the snooze button on her again, she starts biting the toes. Bitch wants her wet food and she wants it now. I spoil the fuck out of her. So my day goes something like this: wake up, pee, eat with Abbey, clean the house (neat freak), work out, look for a job, lunch, shower, look some more, tv, dinner, look some more, and bedtime. Repeat. Of coarse my plans change daily, but thats the gest of it.

Today, I had an interview, so things were moved around. I woke up to my cat biting her leg while holding open the blinds. So I went to feed her, we race to the bowl, well, she does. I let her win. She is very talkative in the morning and anytime I return from leaving the house. Other than that, never a peep. I make my shake, turn on iTunes and clean the kitchen. I checked my email, returned some, deleted others. Checked my myspace, then off to the gym. Wow, I am even boring myself. Ok, so fast foward to my interview. I will not say who the company is, but I googled them and the only thing that came up was forums on how bad they are. I never saw a website or anything. I am already a little sketchy about the place. I walk in and see there are nine other people in the waiting area. We were going to do a group interview. I hate group interviews. The receptionist sends us all to a big conference room. All of a sudden a good looking slender white male walks in and greets us. He has a big voice and I am already naming our dogs. He starts giving this speech "Insurance, blah, blah, blah, commission, blah, blah, blah, sometimes cold calling". What? Hold the phone, I am not doing sales, let alone telemarketing or whatever the fuck. This sounds a lot like that movie with Giovanni Boiler Room. So I raise my hand and ask where the restroom was. I walked out and never looked back.

So instead I went and got my eyebrows done. Now, Carol has done my brows for about a year now, she does a great job. I just get them cleaned up boys, not really noticeable and I have a natural arch. Waxing isn't the hard part though. Its the fucking tweezing part that is painful. She gets all into it, she has the helmet with the attached magnified glasses and goes to town for what seems like twenty minutes. She gives a killer face massage after too! Despite the pain of the tweezing, I can fall asleep on the thing they put me on, everytime I have to fight to not fall asleep. After all that, bitch FUCKED UP MY EYEBROWS! She gayed them the fuck up, they are thin, not mexican fag thin, but thinner than I like them to be. It might be just my initial shock and they might grow on me, but its like my birthday month, and I know there are gonna be cameras. Can I sue? One time, before I started going to Carol this hooker spaced out my eyebrows by like two inches, I almost cried. What is up with the things the asians wear at these salons? They usually have nice expensive jeans and a top from the $2 bin at Forever 21. Horrid hair clips are also a must, and if not high end jeans, pinstripped pants or pajama pants. AND always, always high heels! Sexy.

Anywho, I think I have said enough. Looking for a job just sucks. I had an interview last week with this chick Shannon. She had to be in her mid-thirties and way fucking sexy. We had a two hour talk and about twenty-five minutes of it was business. She thinks her husband might be gay. She is having twins not her, she has a surrogate, but congrats to my new favorite MILF. She owns her one staffing company. She has hooked two of my friends up with jobs. I am keeping my fingers crossed. I am really upset I can't be the impulse buyer that I am. So wish me luck.

<3
me

PS- I was on my way to the gym in my complex and there are a ton of lizards here. They come in various sizes and scatter into the bushes when you walk by. Not this one today, it was huge!! I saw it in the corner of my eye and I had to do a doubletake. Its not that it was THAT big but it had a huge ass tail. So I looked at it, I got close and it didn't even move. It was almost like he was thinking "Have you seen my tail? What about it?" I took a pic, see below( thats a leaf in the middle of his tail). Hugs & Smooches!

Happy Birthday Jason Castro!

First of all, is Paula wearing gloves? Really? Gloves and an ice capades outfit? WOW, and that hair clip? I think she is channeling her inner "Material Girl". Moving on...Ramiele, I love my lil pinoy singer. I would marry her if she could make me some good Filipino food while singing me songs from the 80's AND if we can have our own boyfriends. Now fellow Aries, Happy Birthday Jason Castro, I heart you. I am not particularly fond of the name Jason, but Jason Castro is all good. Hes told he is an Aries, and not sure if he pronounces it right. It's okay honey, just be glad you can sing and that you look like a masculine yet soft lesbian that I wanna bone like crazy. Was it just me or did he seem a tad off? I know its his b-day but does he have to hit up the bar they built especially for Paula backstage or hit the bong right before he sings? He was not all there. Best part was when Ryan said "Thank you Jason" and he replies with "You too!" He did well but just not his best.

Syesha did a lovely job, she reminds me of Latoya the year that Fantascia won. She should have won that year, I never liked Fanty. That is why I didn't watch the year Carrie won. I boycotted AI for one year. Anywho Syesh does a great job each week, she just doesn't stick out enough for some reason. Her voice is beautiful. I can do without Chikezie, if he wants to stay in I think he should always play the harmonica. He needs that gimmick to keep him interesting, hes boring. On Oprah, Simon said Brooke was one his top 4 idols this season. Along with both Davids and Jason Castro. I didn't agree with him at the time, but she kinda redeemed herself this week. It might be just because I love that song. Other then her minor mishap in the beginning, I enjoyed it.

Michael where have you been hiding that energy? Great song choice and doing Queen, mighty ambitious but he did pretty well. His Aussie ass needed to wake me up, I kept hitting snooze hoping you would bring it. Car Car should have sang "Total Eclipse Of The Heart" like The Dan Band's cover. That would have been awesome. In all seriousness though, damn baby, favorite of the night, I love the Irish. Our lil David has a girlfriend? Really? Or did they show the person to daddy's left instead of right, where his boyfriend was? He did an okay job, I have never heard that song before though.

Kristy Lee Cock, shit man, God Bless the USA? She is totally mindfucking America into voting for her skank ass. Her eyes are dark like her soul and make up needs to wax her moustache. This was her best night yet, but I need her to get the fuck out. I got to hand it to her though, bitch is playing her cards right. Other David, nice twist on the song, he definitely has star quality and talent. I think if Simon has his way he would crown him the next American Idol. He is still pissed Taylor won and not Chris. So, I want Kristy gone. Kimberly Locke is on the show tomorrow night, EXCITING!!

Payless Here She Comes

These are Paris Hilton's new shoes. Sexy right? I don't think even my inner hooker would try them on for fun. She has crazy big feet, so they would probably have my size. Her and I should play who can pick up the biggest thing with their feet. She would win, birds do a lot of things with their feet and can carry up to twice their body weight. If these shoes are for tranny hookers that want to be like Paris, she needs to know that they are on a budget. She should lower the price and offer payment plans. Stems for head or something. No self respecting drag queen would be caught dead in these and I doubt any hooker would either.

Leatherheads

Puckerface at the premiere of her new movie Leatherheads. As you can clearly see Renee took the part very seriously. She injected herself with leather instead of the norm, lemon juice and botox that give her that signature puckerface look. Someone needs to tell her that shiny leather is never a good thing, its all about distressed leather. At least her eyes are open. The movie looks like it has potential. George Clooney stars in the film and is the director. John Krasinski from "The Office" also stars, love him! I hope this movie is better then his last movie with Mandy Moore "Licence to Wed". It was one of the worst movies in 2007.

The Return of Gaykin

On My Way Here is the title of his upcoming album, that's just too easy to fuck with. Does anyone still care about Miss Clay? I love his voice, but I am in no way a Clay fan. He is wearing a ton of makeup, couldn't they have airbrushed out the gay and freckles? They need to hire whoever does Madonna's shit. I don't get why Lindsey Lohan and Clay don't embrace the freckles, I think they are cute. He looks like a he might be one of Jodie Foster's fisting buddies.

On a side note, Yahoo is wondering if season favorite David Archuleta is the next Clay Aiken. Thoughts? And just for kicks watch Paula do what she does best...

JabbaWockeez Raises The Bar

Dude, last nights show was sick. I do not get why Status Quo had the most votes though. This bottom two should definitely be between JabbaWockeez and Kabba Modern. I have a lil confession to make, I have only really been catching the show randomly. It wasn't until this week that I recorded a few episodes so I can see them all. JabbaWockeez just brought it and some extra potato salad too. They were insane, and not just last night, but every show they killed it. I love Kabba, but I got a new man now and his name is JabbaWockeez. I will always have fond memories of you. I don't mean to play you like that, but its like I only heard your side of the story. So, NEXT! I will miss you and your animated, incredible dance moves.

Lil Mama finally didn't wear anything on top of her head. She must be reading. She borrowed one of Janet's wigs, its a step up, but baby steps. Again, she still looks old. She kinda looks like she should be in those new anti scare you into not doing meth commercials that "proves" to us that only gay people do meth. I actually know one of those guys, hes a bartender. Anywho, congrats to JabbaWockeez, I already know they are gonna take this competition!

Do Me Tyson

Tyson is hot and an idiot, son. He is however, why I watch, son. Perry, get over yourself and get over Amanda, I can't stress it enough people, do not get someones name tattooed on you, BAD NEWS! Amanda left you for Britney's ex because she was tired of sayin "Is it in yet?". Get over it girl, you should have realized thats why she left when the photographer made you tuck your junk. Holly was an early favorite of mine but I wasn't feeling her this week. Ben is so fucking hot, he is reason number two I watch. I can get past the ignorant things he says sometimes, its not his fault hes uneducated. What the fuck was Naomi Campbell doing there? She came in, looked at their portfolios, said "Oh how cute" and left. They must have caught her inbetween doing lines and throwing things. Ben is hot! Did I say Ben was hot? Good riddance Shannon, she is one of those girls that doesn't like gay guys, she bothers me. I understand that Ronnie is a bit of a douche thats past its prime but he did a good job this week. He does seem fake, but hes got that likeable face that you just want to pinch or shoot a load on. This week was very homoerotic. The models portrayed the four elements in their birthday suits (speaking of birthdays mine is in two days!). The shoot was so gay that they should have done the fifth element, love, with Ben and Ronnie. Yum! I just hope Perry doesn't win, we don't need another K-Fed in model form.

I Had Sex With A Porn Star

Well I don't think he was doing porn during the very brief time we "dated". What has got me all baffled is that the most memorable thing about him was how bad he was in bed. I have never been with anyone remotely bad until I met him. He was dirty and not in a good way. In a way that he went barefoot into Burger King right before asking me for $5. He was funny, cute, I wasn't looking for anything serious, so I didn't care all too much. One time he slept over and he went number two, which is fine, but he didn't try to cover up the smell at all and left the door open as to air it out or something. The smell was so bad that my roomate woke up from her nap and asked what the smell was. I nearly died of laughter. We basically parted ways shortly after that.

He is fun to have around at a party. Come to think of it, he was quite the whore, so this doesn't surprise me all too much. I always wonder if I am going to be watching porn one day, and boom, theres someone you know. I never in a million years thought it would be someone I slept with. I have however, seen like 3 guys on MTV's Next that I have made out with. Actually, he was on that show too, haha, its all coming back to me. Anywho, last Night I was on xtube when I discovered this. Rubbing one out helps me sleep at night, TMTH right Danny?

Well, I am checking things out, seeing whats new to the site. So I clicked on this video and it's a tad bit blurry. Its a good one, so I watch. Then I start to notice things, I have seen that tattoo on his shoulder, I know that voice, holy fuck me Batman, thats ******!! Of coarse I go to myspace to look his page up and myspace is down. Never fucking there when I need you MS. I no longer have his number, but do I email him, what do I say? I know what you did last summer? How does it feel to have one in your bum and one in your mouth? Help?!?!?! Just playing, I ain't going to contact him. Its just nice to know I can check this off my list of shit to do before I turn 25. Which is next week people! March 27th!! Justin Out!

<3
me

Dawn Summers to Join Gossip Girl Cast

Our lil Dawn is now joining the cast of CW's Gossip Girl. Originally Mischa Barton was up for the role, I guess she is too busy or too good for tv. I am way more excited for Michelle to join the cast. Apparently an ex of mine was on GG and had one or two lines in an episode that aired in December. I think he was lying. He also said Raven from "Thats So Raven" is his distant cousin. Anywho, Michelle is going to play some bitch that stirs up some dram on the show after a brief stint in rehab. Loves it! I am a HUGE Buffy fanatic! They should bring that back on tv. And just for shits and giggles, the Buffy Musical...

This Cost PEOPLE $6 Million

I hope they get their money back on sales. They airbrushed the shit out of her. Ain't it funny (haha puns) how J-Ho morphs into her current significant other. Its like she is a chameleon and she just adapts to her surroundings. With Puffy, she was all "hardcore" with her chola bandanas and lipliner. With Ben, she was less and less mexican with every breath she took. And now with Skelator, shes back to her In Living Color days. Everything, down to the sideburns, they are currently covered by some bad bangs but you can kinda see them.

Lohan Sex Tape

Above is back when I and the world loved Lindsey. Now to continue on her downward spiral to reality tv stardom, a sex tape. I guess it was filmed a while back when she was dating Calum Best. He filmed it on his cell phone and only sent it to a few friends and has NO IDEA how it got out. Really? Lohan claims she doesn't even remember. Here's some advice muffin, NEVER dye your hair blonde again, gain some weight and be healthy, stop the fake and bake (embrace those freckies), fire your momager, party in moderation, never step foot in the Ivy again, or anywhere on Robertson for that matter, and I think you can revive that career you have hanging on a thread. We miss you.

**UPDATE**
It's not her, it's not even Calum. LAME! I was kinda looking forward to it.

Should They Stay Or Should They Go Now?

Ummm, Ew, I canNOT believe that my girl was on the bottom three. Carly does NOT belong there, at ALL! America stop snorting your glue and get your shit together. This week we find out the mentors and I am not too excited. Dolly Parton, k, kinda cool; Mariah Carey, really? Really? She has got a voice, no doubt about it, but really? My boy, Andrew Lloyd Webber, I am not sure the young gays on the show know who this genius is. Neil Diamond, again REALLY?? Tonight is the return of the FORD commericals, how fun? Should they stay or should they go now? I love that lil' David is excited about the clothes. Again, I canNOT believe Carly was on the bottom 3.

I just know that the producers can only shoot Ryan from the waist up when he utters Jason Castro's name. Got to cover that semi, right? Kelly Pickler, what a delight, did you see her on "Smarter Than A Fifth Grader"? YouTube it, you will not be disappointed. Is anyone else glad that Elliot Yamin got his grill fixed? Next up for him, hopefully, is a gig with ProActive. Seriously though, Idol Gives Back is a great cause, so reach into your pockets and show a lil love.

Dykealicious Amanda joins Carly and fuckface Cook on the bottom three. Why isn't Brooke there? And hold the phone, Carly is married??? I still love her though. I canNOT believe that Christy is still there, she must give the best head this side of the Mississippi. This means Amanda won't even join the rest on the Idol tour. Boo, I really wanted to see her shoot bourbon on stage and say "Fuck you for voting me off so early, the exit is to your left."